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Doctor recommended for optimal cerebral hygiene 

Muse released, in recovery

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Bellingham, WA (AP) - After several weeks of a dramatic hostage situation, local man, HJM, reports today that his muse has been released by the five wireless service providers in his area. HJM had been in negotiations with the five companies as he attempted to choose which to give his business to. He claims that the excessive amount of time and energy it took to engage in this process amounted to nothing less than the kidnapping of his muse, and an inability to post to his blog - Transcendental Floss.

"I know everyone probably thinks I'm a nutcase for making these accusations, but believe me, I did my best to rule out every other explanation," said HJM. "I tried dietary changes, Zen meditation, I even met with someone who channels the spirit of Studs Terkel - I swear, I didn't know that Studs was still alive!" HJM continued, explaining that he blames all the companies for their "horrible" customer service and "confusing" rate plans, causing him to spend countless hours on the internet and the telephone trying to find a deal he could afford. The effort, he said, left him unable to write anything for his website. "I won't even go into the disruptions to my family life. This morning, my son asked my wife who I was."

Four of the five wireless companies, refused to comment on the incident, but Cingular's Senior Vice President of Public Relations, Denise Snodgrass, said in a press release, "We feel that we are the industry leader in customer service, and we resent the accusations Mr. HJM has leveled at Cingular. It appears that Mr. HJM may need professional help beyond what should be expected from our Customer Service Representatives."

Asked how he managed to finally gain the release of his muse from captivity, HJM said, "I just decided not to get a cell phone. There are more important things in life. Transcendental Floss readers will see me back at work soon."