mount st. (what the) helens

Mount St. Helens spews more steam
By GENE JOHNSON ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITER

MOUNT ST. HELENS NATIONAL MONUMENT, Wash. -- Mount St. Helens blew off more steam Monday, shooting a billowing white plume several hundred feet above the volcano and thrilling hundreds of visitors who had gathered below the rumbling mountain.

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this was so predictable.

as you may recall from a previous episode, natural disasters follow me and my wife wherever we move. earthquakes, fires, tornadoes, hurricanes. and now we can add volcanic eruptions to our portfolio.

and don’t think it’s not an awesome responsibility to be, uh, responsible for all these acts of god. if it were just us, that’d be one thing. we’d adapt, or duck, or batten down the hatches. or something.

but no. these things generally affect lots of other people. and we feel bad about that. but what the helens can we do about it? we didn’t ask to be disaster magnets. and even if we warned our new neighbors each time, do you think they’d have believed us?

helens, no. they’d have branded us “the crazy couple with delusions of godhood.” we’d have been ostracized. shunned. snubbed. we’re friendly, sociable people, we don’t take well to snubbing.

but let’s say for a moment that our warnings were believed, were we inclined to make them…which we weren’t. we’d have been ostracized. shunned. snubbed. and run out of town by an angry mob wielding torches and pitch forks. we’re sensitive, flesh and blood people, we don’t take well to pitch forks.

so far the st. helens cataclysm hasn’t been very cataclysmic, disaster-wise. for that we are grateful. but that’s hardly the point. the volcano hadn’t gotten any attention for 24 years, and suddenly it’s party time. “woo hoo, the spaceneedls are in town. heat up the magma!”

years ago we stopped asking each other, “what else could happen?” and sarcastically saying “i can’t wait to see what happens next.” we can think of plenty of what-elses that could happen—and we don’t want to think about it. quite frankly we can wait to see what happens next. we’ve seen plenty of examples, and we don’t need to be hit over the head.

look, when it comes to being granted divine powers, i’m as appreciative as the next guy. but y’know, we feel like we’ve done our time. met our quota. fulfilled our duty. we’d be pleased as heck to hand this little gift off to another lucky couple.

so we’re looking for volunteers.

applicants must recognize the gift, but not attempt to exploit it. religious zealots and power mongers need not apply. applicants must be prepared to live far away from us, as we don’t care to get caught up in the disaster du jour upon the transfer of power. residents of the pacific northwest need not apply. applicants must be resilient counterpunchers. folks with glass psyches need not apply.

all righty then. that ought to about do it. we’ll be waiting here, standing by, as the applications start rolling in.

inevitable as the high tide.

any minute now.