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Doctor recommended for optimal cerebral hygiene 

off the menu...

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

pursuant to my previous post, below is one scenario combining vignettes from each category. from the resulting scenario, conclusions may be drawn and recommendations made regarding the next democratic candidate for president.

oh! by the way, i've gone off the menu from that last post, and made up some entirely new vignettes. i think it's fair to characterize these new little dramas as 100% likely in the coming 4 years.

key drivers

• iraq war
after further consideration, the iraqi people realize how unreasonable they've been. from the whole "insurgency" thing to their boorish failure to offer our troops flowers and chocolates, the iraqi street wraps itself in the american flag and elects george w. bush president in absentia. he accepts and establishes the middle-eastern white house in mosul.

• weak economy/unemployment
the u.s. economy miraculously rights itself, erasing the deficit and eliminating the need for any taxes whatsoever. "it's your money," says the president via conference call from mosul. americans celebrate by donating lavishly to the faith-based charity of their choice. the profligacy wanes, however, when people realize such donations are no longer tax deductible.

opposition weaknesses

• unilateral foreign policy
foreign heads of state wake up one morning and realize by not supporting the bush administration, they've been supporting the terrorists. hats in hand, they wretchedly send their apologies to mosul in the form of bearer bonds, troops and swiss chocolates. the troops, seeing no work left to do, eat the chocolates, sparking an international furor.

• religious backlash
jesus returns. hilarity ensues.

dem. party strengths

• rebuilding global partnerships
smiling meekly, democrats hold themselves up as bad examples not to be followed. "geez, we were just wrong," declare diane feinstein and hillary clinton in a joint statement. "we're going back home as soon as replacements can be found. after years of domestic neglect, we've got a lot of pies to bake."

• fiscal responsibility
tax & spend liberals learn from the bush doctrine that spending is okay, taxes are not. democrats vow to become "spend liberals" and never utter the "t" word again.

wild cards

• china gambit
seizing the opportunity to control and influence events on a global scale, china sues in the world court for a percentage of the profits from all chinese restaurants around the world. "this is about intellectual property," says one chinese bureaucrat. "if it weren't for us it'd just be called 'food.'"

• iraq backlash
as the situation in iraq prospers and blooms, "progressives" become increasingly vocal and demonstrative about their previous opposition to the war. self-flagellation is a common occurrence, and thousands trek to the white house to beg forgiveness.

conclusion: democrats should "get over" the idea that they have anything of value to offer on the national stage. they should immediately begin the process of amending the u.s. constitution so as to...

next presidential candidate: draft arnold schwarzenegger.