morons among us...

a seattle cop knocked on our door last night. at midnight.

someone had been calling 911, she said, because the back end of one of our cars was extending beyond our driveway and over the sidewalk in front of our house.

savor that for a moment.



a cop. a midnight rap on the door. a frantic call to 911. "help, there's a car parked on the sidewalk!"

(for the record, said car was NOT parked on top of anyone.)

"are we breaking some kind of law we're not aware of?" my wife groggily inquired.

"mmmph, maybe, i don't know, if some parking enforcement officer happened along, it's hard to say..." the officer responded. "we just want the person to stop calling 911."

(for the record, we live at the end of a street that sees very little traffic─auto, pedestrian, or otherwise. and yes, there was room to walk behind the car without venturing into the nonexistent traffic. oh, and did i mention it was MIDNIGHT?)

we have three areas of concern here:

1. instead of leaving a note on the car (or, god forbid, speaking to us personally), one of our neighbors was aggrieved enough to call in the cops.

2. instead of calling a local police station, during normal hours, this person called 911. at midnight. on a tuesday.

3. one of our neighbors is a ratting, finking, rat-fink.

in the brief time we stayed awake after this event, my wife and i tried to figure out which of our neighbors possesses the low character and matching IQ to do such a thing. we have no suspects. we didn't even attempt to discern what we might have done to inspire such a vendetta, since we've never had anything but a pleasant (or at least polite) relationship with the folks who live near us.

not any more, by god. from now on, all our neighbors are guilty until proven innocent. they’re stupid until proven intelligent. you got a problem with us, sport? bring it on! go ahead, call 911 and tell them our grass is too long. while you’re at it, tell them to send the fire department, because we’re going to torch that tree that’s sort of, maybe, hanging over our side of the fence.

god help you if we even suspect you sent the cops to wake us up on a random tuesday night. and you can tell the rest of the neighbors the same thing. tell ‘em the law is coming. you tell 'em i'm coming! and hell's coming with me, you hear? hell's coming with me!