when dildos are outlawed...

...only outlaws will have dildos.

does it surprise anyone that it's illegal to sell uh, phallic-shaped sexual devices in alabama?

no, i suspect not. but in this hilarious take, mark morford skewers all that is wrong with this red state, and its ideological brethren, wherever they may skulk.

"...as the last deeply disturbing election proved, we on the dildo-happy side of the fence must be very, very wary, on alert, keenly observant of these rigid and dangerous little laws and of these genital-free religious leaders, as Alabama's is the mind-set that put Bush in office and these are the voting blocs that keep noxious abstinence programs alive in public schools and this is the viewpoint that buys 20 million copies of the Left Behind series of silly apocalyptica, all hoping for the End of the World real soon now so why not abuse the planet as we damn well please and wait for the Rapture, uptight and righteous and dildo free."

i thought about posting a photo of a "genital stimulating device" here, but that isn't really necessary, is it? we're all adults, sort of, right? no, we'll just stipulate the image, and get right to the point: in states where such things are outlawed, what will the outlaws do?

will they put bumper stickers on their chevys threatening, "you'll get my dildo when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers"? will the south rise again to march on the statehouse, candles in one hand and vibrators in the other?

pffft. not likely. not in the bible belt, close kin to the chastity belt. no, the good citizens of the former confederate states will retreat to their gardens, their farms, their backyard flower beds. and one day, soon, the south will bust out with a bumper crop of cucumbers and zucchini and gourds not seen since...well since ever.

a new kind of black market will spring up, and moonshining will take on a whole 'nother meaning. rural legends will be born, and a fresh generation of "fun-runners" will emulate burt reynolds in "smokey and the bandit." indeed, the term "bootlegging" takes on a new and more interesting connotation, doesn't it?

"east-bound and down, loaded up and truckin' we gonna do what they say can't be done. we got a long way to go and a short time to get there, bla bla bla just watch ol' bandit run..."